A Daughter's New Role

by Jill Crossland

One in four Canadian boomers and nearly 22 million American workers do it. Many of you still have children at home yet; you are missing work and deadlines for another reason other than a sick child. Life and time has given you another role, that of caregiver.

The dynamics of each caregiving role is individual and unique. One to two aging parents or an elderly relative; lengthy long distance phone calls or one-on-one care; plus different stages of health and living arrangements that range from the act of downsizing into a more manageable living space, inviting them to live in your home to deciding between hospital or hospice care.

Whatever the situation, decisions are difficult, emotional and draining. So what is happening to the woman who is taking on the care or support of a parent(s) and what are some ways of dealing with it all?

What you can do for those you are caring for:

1. Accept what is happening.
   
You cannot save them or fix them, concentrate on the little things. Just be with them.
2. Recognize how overwhelming the situation can be.
   
Make decisions based on what is needed at the moment; stay in the here and now.
3. Old issues will emerge.
   
You cannot re-write or change the past but instead you can see this as an opportunity to gain a better perspective on the relationships of your childhood.
4. You want to help but you live a distance from your parent.
   
Schedule the same time every week to call them. This provides them with something to look forward to and they won't feel so alone and overwhelmed. Just before the call make yourself a cup of tea and then, settle down to talk and listen.

What you can do for you:

1. Don't waste time on guilt.
   
You will feel burnt out and stressed, that doesn't make you less of a daughter, it makes you human.
2. Some sources of help that you may be overlooking.
   
Brothers - don't take it all on merely because you are the female. Brothers can run errands, take parents to appointments and spend time with them. Friends of your parents - they often feel left out. If their health permits enlist their help. Even if they can sit and visit for an hour, it lets you take a break.
3. Communicate with your spouse and children.
   
This is a difficult and confusing time for them, too. Let them know what is happening and how they can help.
4. Look into available government services.
   
If you don't have the time, ask a sibling or relative who is not able to help with the daily care to do it for you.
US: http://www.eldercare.gov/Eldercare/Public/Home.asp
Canada: http://www.seniors.gc.ca

Learn to set boundaries. Ask for and accept help from family, friends and co-workers. Don't avoid talking about what is happening; coaches, support groups and other caregivers can offer support and clarity.

Take a deep breath...…life has led you full circle.

Check out these helpful books

• (Canadian) The Complete Canadian Eldercare Guide by Caroline Tapp-McDougall
• (US) Complete Eldercare Guide by Joy Loverde
• (General) Caring for Yourself, While Caring for Your Aging Parents by Claire Berman

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