How could you tell?

by Kathy Buckworth

In the middle of a crowded Starbucks restaurant the other day, I fished around in my purse day for a business card. I pulled out two little cars, a broken toy from a fast food restaurant, a retainer case and a stack of half ripped hockey game admittance tickets. Besides looking like a real professional as I handed my reluctant new business contact a rather mucky looking bent card, I cringed at the inevitable comment I knew was forthcoming. "I can tell you're a mother!" Well I've got news for you bub - there are many, many ways you can tell someone is a mother, and the catastrophic purse is just the most obvious. Take a look at my van - from the sticky handles to the littered juice boxes, headless Barbies and more - to every pocket in every jacket or coat that I own (you know, every time I try to pull out some change for a coffee, I end up yanking out papers, Kleenexes, lost buttons, the head of that damn Barbie, and more.) The "front view hair do". My personal favourite. You only have ten minutes to pull it all together in the morning before WWIII breaks out in the children's washroom.The environmental signs of being a mother are everywhere. The physical signs of being a mother can also be found everywhere you look.

• The constantly jangling car keys, tapping foot and pursed lips are the telltale signs of a Mom who is at the end of her chauffeuring rope. Most often seen outside arena dressing rooms, in dance school waiting areas, school hallways, and yes, behind you in line at the Starbucks.

• A lone, lame sticker which has been lovingly smashed onto your dry clean only sweater by an overenthusiastic toddler after a successful "100's Day" at nursery school. (What the hell is that anyway and why do we need it?)

• Non-existent or chipped nail polish. You don't have time (or patience) to put it on yourself, or time (or money) to go and get it done professionally. If you received a gift certificate for the local spa or nail salon at Christmas, by the first week in May you might get there (special corporate dance coming up this Saturday…) but it will be chipped before you can show it off. For the uninitiated, the chipping will occur during any of the following: tightening hockey skates, unsticking stuck zippers, pulling staples out of the mahogany desk, repeated dishwasher loading and unloadings, or even as a result of a nasty diaper change (doesn't bear thinking about - but can involve industrial cleaners that remove, well, everything).

• Worn knees in all your pants from kneeling on scruffy and dirty surfaces to console, tie up, zip up, zip down, pull on, pull off, tighten up, loosen, wipe off, brush down, or generally dislodge pieces of clothing or unwelcome feelings from your children.

• The "front view hair do". My personal favourite. You only have ten minutes to pull it all together in the morning before WWIII breaks out in the children's washroom, over the use of the new toothpaste, or worse, there's a cry of "Is that poo?" You always mean to get back to styling the rest of your hair, but by the time you do, the curling iron has turned itself off with that very handy turn-off-automatic feature and you don't have the time or now the energy to get to the back of your head, which is frankly only viewed by your children as you drive them from place to place. (See sign #1 and start again.)

There are more obvious signs of motherhood, including the good (loving that child that only his/her own mother could), the bad (the fatigue, frustration, annoyance, stress, and general crabbiness), and the downright ugly (screeching, hair pulling and losing all dignity in public while attempting to control an out of control pre-schooler or enraged teenager). Why do you think we're so desperate to throw that ratty, junk filled jacket on, jump in that filthy van and scratch around for change for that coffee each morning? Just make sure you get out of our way, or you'll be walking out of the Starbucks with that jaunty "100" sign on the back of your new blazer.

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